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Herman Cain's Reflection Alleges Sexual Harassment
11/22/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring
GOP presidential candidate and pizza-gospel artist Herman Cain spent the day aggressively denouncing allegations of sexual misconduct from a growing number of female parties before making the mistake of stepping in front of a mirror during a stressful press conference in Washington, D.C.
Cain, who spent the better part of an hour deflecting requests for "Freebird" and "Stairway to Heaven," looked to be profoundly disturbed when his reflection began spouting out obscenities and referring to him as "the man who broke my heart."
Cain's reflection continued, "How dare you?! How could you lead me on like this? You played innocent, with all of your admiring glances and softly-sung love songs. You danced for me and took care of my personal hygiene. Then came the pillow talk and the suggestive poses. You even pinched my nipples! I thought you loved me! And now I find out you were just practicing for your trollops!"
Quickly throwing a blanket over the suspiciously-placed mirror, Cain scanned the crowd and managed to spot Rick Perry adviser Curt Anderson giggling as he shot the former CEO the bird and disappeared out the back door.
"This is obviously not my reflection," Cain explained. "I don't even know what a trollop is. Please believe m-"
Cain shot a doubtful glance around the room and suddenly burst into song, cleverly belittling tacos and cheeseburgers to the tune of Metallica's "One." Attempting to leave the performance on a high-note, he thanked the crowd, gathered up the pile of dollars and spare-change scattered around the podium, and made a hasty exit.
A statement released by Herman Cain's camp shortly following the concert informed PTP that the imposter had been dealt with after a staff vampire bit the candidate, negating the possibility of ever seeing his reflection again. - Return to Previous Page
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