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Body of bin Laden Washes Ashore in India
5/25/2011 7:43 AM Coyle
In an embarrassing incident for the United States Navy, the corpse of al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden washed ashore along the coast of India yesterday morning, prompting a series of accusations across Washington about how such an incident could have occurred.
In a hastily organized press conference, Defense Department spokesman Geoff Morrell claimed that the incident may have been due to an innocent mishap. “Someone was supposed to have filled out a requisition order for a pair of cement blocks, but apparently they got floaties instead,” said Morrell in a prepared statement.
When asked why they decided to bury bin Laden at sea with the floaties around his arms, Morrell responded, “After all the accusations about $1,000 toilet seats and what not, we didn't want to give the impression that we are wasting taxpayer money. Besides, he looked kind of cute in those SpongeBob SquarePants floaties.”
The news sparked a harsh response from the new leader of al-Qaeda, Saif Al-Adel. “Normally, al-Qaeda is a pretty forgiving organization. As everyone knows, we are very tolerant of differences of opinion and accept people from all religions. However, it is outrageous that the American infidels would desecrate the body of a Muslim with SpongeBob SqaurePants, the very symbol of Western domination and oppression.”
President Obama, hoping to prevent sympathizers from recovering the body in order to use it as a shrine to promote further terrorist acts, again ordered Navy Seal Team 6 on an operation to obtain bin Laden's corpse.
The operation was a success, although bin Laden was apparently shot multiple times during the recovery mission. “When the Seals first landed on shore,” stated Morrell at the same press conference, “Caribbean music was playing at a nearby resort and bin Laden's leg was twitching. Fearing a repeat of 'Weekend at Bernie's II,' they started firing indiscriminately. Of course, when they reached his body, they realized that it was just a crab picking at his leg – better safe than sorry, though...I guess.”
The numerous bullet holes have complicated measures to give bin Laden a more traditional burial. However, President Obama assured everyone that his body would be treated with dignity and respect.
“We have brought in the best morticians from across the country to make sure that those bullet holes look natural,” said the president in an afternoon speech. “More importantly, however, we bought several cases of Just for Men hair coloring to help hide all that gray in his beard. It's going to make him look ten years younger; he'll look great. Even better, they promised to let me have all the leftover hair coloring.” - Return to Previous Page
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