Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Cain: “Congress finally gets it right”
12/5/2011 8:24 PM Alyson Durden
Herman Cain, who this weekend announced he was suspending his presidential campaign, offered praise to Congress tonight, saying they had “accomplished the single greatest achievement since the signing of the Declaration of Independence” when they unanimously voted to keep pizza sauce’s status as a vegetable. Pizza sauce and ketchup famously obtained this designation during the Reagan administration.
“All Republicans love Ronald Reagan. I think this decision to keep pizza sauce a vegetable is his way of endorsing me from the grave. I mean, why else would this happen now? Has there been a huge public outcry to take away pizza’s important status?” inquired Cain, who paused to ask an aide if that was the real reason the Occupy protests are occurring all over the country and globe, “No, no there has not. Has anyone suggested that pizza sauce is not a vegetable? No, no they have not. So we must ask ourselves, why this? Why now? I think if you do that, you’ll see the only explanation is that Ronald Reagan wants Herman Cain to be President. Not that it matters though, now that those women accused me of this and that.”
Secret Service agents, recently added to the campaign to protect Cain from reporters, prevented journalists from asking any follow-up questions, but we were able to catch up with the ex-candidate when his hat blew off. We recorded our encounter:
“Thank you for getting my hat. What’s a presidential candidate without a big hat?”
“Jack Abramoff? Mr. Cain, do you really think this is the BEST thing Congress has done -- better than giving everyone the right to vote? Better than the Civil Rights Act? Better than, well, a million other things?"
"Pizza is the cornerstone of our society, that is why I was so successful at making it."
"Do you know that the decision on pizza was in response to Michelle Obama’s campaign to make school lunches healthier?”
“What? Are you those Pundit people again? What do you want from me? Ok, fine, no, I did not know about this campaign. I cannot be expected to know everything about every little think Princess Michelle does. I am running to be Commander in Chief, not ‘get into everyone’s business in chief.’---”
The recording was cut off when agents saw us talking to the candidate, and our press credentials were suspended. - Return to Previous Page
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