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Congress appoints Cookie Monster as new Secretary of Agriculture
12/2/2011 3:10 Will Daring
Redefined school lunch standards set forth earlier this year by the USDA may not receive the funding needed for their implementation, after Congress boldly, and with no warning, replaced Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack with his unlikely successor, Cookie Monster.
The move comes fast on the heels of a new spending bill which would adversely affect the quality of school lunches at the expense of child health. Best known for promoting the idea that a few tablespoons of tomato paste on a pizza counts as a serving of vegetables, the bill's defenders instructed Cookie Monster to reorganize the food pyramid and talk some sense into the opposition.
"Me like pizza, but tomato is fruit," said Cookie Monster at a press conference yesterday, sharing a bit of wisdom learned from a long tenure on Sesame Street. "So pizza is fruit serving. Me like cookies best; in fact, cookies need flour. So cookies are bread and cereal serving. Dairy is easy. Put milk-chocolate chip on cookie. Last, we need meat and fat serving. Put pepperoni on oily pizza. New food pyramid."
The murmur in the crowd rose to excited chattering as a slew of hands rose up in the air. "Yes, you," Cookie pointed toward a journalist in the front row.
"I couldn't help but notice that you said pizza is now a fruit serving. That means you left out vegetables. Your pyramid isn't finished yet."
"Fuck vegetables," the furry blue muppet retorted, drawing gasps from the stunned audience. "Me work for Congress now. No more Mr. Nice Monster. No more pretend cookies are just sometimes snack. Me diabetic already, so me not worry. Budget needs to be fixed, processed food company need boost, and me need more cookies, so things work out for the best. It's cold hard world out there, you have problem, you can suck it." - Return to Previous Page
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