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Obama On Roll, Plans to Master Interstellar Space Travel “By Next Thursday”
5/26/2011 6:48 AM Ross -
President Obama called a special press conference today to unveil a program that he claims will soon allow all Americans to travel across the Milky Way Galaxy at velocities far exceeding the speed of light, a proposal he calls “easily the most kick-ass thing I’ve done yet.”
The announcement comes on the heels of an unusually successful period for the beleaguered Commander-In-Chief. Obama has received accolades after ordering the killing of elusive terrorist Osama Bin Laden in a Navy Seal raid, and had recently put to rest rumors that he had been born abroad with the release of his full-form Birth Certificate.
“Okay people. Here we go,” the President said, rocking on his heels in a broadcast that reached an estimated 9.6 million viewers. “By next Thursday we are all going to possess the ability to leave this solar system - on a whim - within mere seconds. I’ve done the math, and I’ve resolved all the issues regarding Einstein’s special theory of relativity. All we have to do now is build it.”
The President claims that he got the idea during the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, while he was speaking before the assembled audience.
“It all came to me while I was slinging backhanded compliments at ‘The Donald’, thinking about taking out Bin Laden later on, you know. I looked up and I saw Zach Galifianakis cracking up, and time just froze, and it was like... this magical realization.”
Obama said he spent the next few weeks “woodshedding” the idea, which he has labeled a “Tachyon Impulse Drive,” and building prototypes in the White House basement. The President claims that his “crack team” will have “a running model up in under a week.”
“And then we can all go party,” he said, “on Alpha Centauri.”
Republican leaders have expressed skepticism over the announcement. Speaker of the House John Boehner spoke to reporters following the President’s speech, saying, “We’ve heard this kind of thing before. First the bailout, then Obamacare, then the Jupiter-Gravity-Reduction-and-Colonization Initiative. It’s just another typical empty White House promise, and even if he somehow succeeds, there’s no way he’ll ever survive this Israel thing.”
President Obama has said that his next projects will include the perfection of cold fusion technology, the unification of all world religions, and a modest overhaul of current U.S. education policy. - Return to Previous Page
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