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Biden declares he's staying in Iraq, says governing is “way easier” there
12/1/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock
Vice President Joe Biden, visiting Iraq on the eve of the United States' full withdrawal from the country, declared moments ago that he will not be returning to the United States, citing that legislating is vastly easier in the war-torn former home of Babylon than it is in present-day Washington.
“I'm not going back. I asked the Secret Service to bring Jill [Biden] over here,” said Biden, speaking in a serious tone before an audience of US soldiers and imbedded press. “It might not be an ideal place to live, but there's no denying that governing is just way easier over here. Pending an election victory, I'm guessing I could get more done in a single hour in Iraq than I could in a year or two back home in the States.”
The audience seemed convinced that Biden was kidding around in a deadpan way, but the Vice President continued to drive his point home. “It's not easy getting things done in Washington. You have lobbyists whispering in one ear, while you have the Republicans screaming bloody murder in the other, all while your constituents are poking you in the chest demanding you listen to them instead, and a crumbling economy wailing away at your crotch. And it doesn't help to have the ever-changing field of foreign affairs probing through your backside, either. Screw it... I'm done. Where can I find a real estate magazine around here, anybody know?”
Reactions to Vice President Biden's shocking announcement were a mixed bag of praise and scold, with Republicans demanding that one of their ilk fill Biden's soon-to-be-vacant seat, and President Obama allegedly planning on caving to their demands as he always does.
Mitt Romney, on the other hand, seemed inspired by Biden's statements. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to have everyone know you're going to win the primary, but then to have them do anything and everything in their power to find someone else, anyone else, for the job? Mr. Biden may be on to something here. How much does a plane ticket cost to Iraq? Oh, wait a minute, why am I asking that? I'm filthy rich! Jeeves, fetch me my Gulfstream! Chop-chop!” - Return to Previous Page
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