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Future Blagojevich cellmate: “I'll only rape his hair”
12/7/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock -
Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison today on corruption convictions after attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat after Obama won the Presidency in 2012. Upon learning that Blagojevich would soon become his cellmate, convicted arsonist, gang thug, and murderer Bubba “Big Bones” Stewart, 44, was quick to phone the press to offer his opinion on the matter.
“I don't think Blagojevich is going to last long in the clink,” said Bubba, whose first name is too awesomely stereotypical not to use. “A guy like that is destined to become the next Tobias Beecher, if you get the `Oz' reference. Though I'll protect him until I get out a year before he does.”
When Bubba was asked what Blagojevich's typical day might entail, he fought back a grin before replying. “He'll wake up, eat, and then I'll rape him. You can't rape someone on an empty stomach, it just ain't right. Then lunch, then yard time. After that, we'll make license plates, during which time I'll rape him again. After that, dinner, then a little more rape. The next day, rinse and repeat.”
“Wait, before you print that, let me point out that I'll only be raping that hair of his,” Bubba explained, cutting off another barrage of questions which surprisingly weren't related to prison rape. “If there's one thing you learn after twelve years in prison, it's that you don't actually have sex with politicians. Here in Illinois, we have a lot of politicians in jail alongside us, so it isn't hard to learn your lesson pretty quick.”
One reporter had to ask why prisoners never rape politicians, much to the chagrin of the rest of us in the room, who were trying to strike the image of Blagojevich's hair getting raped from our minds, let alone the curiosity of how one actually rapes hair. “It's pretty simple. They're dirtier than other prisoners. You might get an STD raping just about anybody, but politicians? It's guaranteed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 1:15 pm prison rape to attend. Come back with a carton of smokes hidden in your rectum, though. I'll be happy to answer more questions!” - Return to Previous Page
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