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Lobbyists, politicians claim EPA hydrofracking report is polluting water, air
12/8/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
A new report from the Environmental Protection Agency finds that hydrofracking is to blame for groundwater contaminates in the Wyoming town of Pavillion, striking a major blow to the highly-controversial natural gas and oil drilling method that has come under fire in the past few years from environmental groups, citizen action groups, and government officials on both sides of the aisle. But some lobbyists and politicians raise different concerns regarding the report itself.
“After conclusive research conducted in the past twelve minutes, we've found that the EPA's report on hydrofracking is highly dangerous to the environment,” said a K Street lobbyist who works for the Koch brothers. “The report contains lethal amounts of hazardous chemicals, most likely used in the ink, as well as in the paper-making process. Also, the staples used to bind the document, if pulled from the pages, pose a serious risk of injury to young children, the elderly, and anyone whose ever been a cast member on `Jersey Shore.' We feel the destruction of this report is in the best interests of everyone, everywhere.”
Meanwhile, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, a Democrat, himself under fire for taking a weak, semi-caving position on hydrofracking, held a press conference of his own in Albany in regards to the report. “Millions of people in New York State are worried about hydrofracking, but why? It's not like there's anything else in New York State other than New York City, right? Who cares if Albany, Syracuse, Binghamton, Buffalo, Rochester, and other large US cities get destroyed by Earthquakes or set on fire from dangerous chemicals? New Yorkers should `really' be concerned about this report from the EPA. The thing is really dangerous! We've found that reading it can cause seizures, even in PDF format online! Take my word for it, this report is bad for you!”
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney weighed in on the report as well. “I, Mitt Romney, think that the EPA's report is... wait, what's that word? Uh... `really' bad for people. Does that say `really?' It looks more like they wrote `reality.' Anyway, let's keep going. Uh... the report contains... chemicals... and can cause seizures. It's really, really bad. Ha-ha, that was a great touch, Mr. Koch. Wait, what? This is going out LIVE? Son of a bitch! Cut my mic! Cut my damn mic!” - Return to Previous Page
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