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Letters to Santa: President Barack Obama
12/18/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock
Using our mad investigative journalism skills, Pardon the Pundit has uncovered a shocking truth about many contemporary, fully-grown, politicians: Many of them still write letters to Santa Claus every year. With bribes paid to the Post Master General and DC staffers loaded up on the prescription drugs they crave so direly, PTP has gained exclusive access to these letters, and in the ramp-up to Christmas, we'll be sharing them with you right here! First up: President Obama!
First off, thanks for making at least some of my wishes from last Christmas come true. Helping me find my long-form birth certificate, and then helping me kill Osama Bin Laden, both of those were pretty high up on my list.
Having said that, I didn't get everything I asked for. I never expected you to get me everything, not any year, and I know some of those things weren't easy to acquire. I'm not sure how you could have made me as iron-willed as George W. Bush, without making my ideas terrible. And I can't imagine it would be easy to make Michelle nag me less... Lord knows that's been on the Christmas list every year.
But I thought “jobs for everyone in America” was a no-brainer. I mean, how efficient can elves really be? Wouldn't it be nice to have some American workers making all those toys? Sure, they'll take constant coffee and cigarette breaks and whine to no end when they don't get the hours they want, but at least they don't have those weird, stubby hands, and I assume it must be annoying listening to those damn bells on their shoes. Americans do have cell phones though, so I guess it's a trade-off?
So here's my list for this year, Santa. I hope you can deliver on at least some of this. You always find a way, though...
1. Re-election! You made me President, so I'm sure you can make me President again. Just have Newt Gingrich with the primary, with Michele Bachmann as his running mate, and have them announce that Herman Cain will be the Secretary of Defense. The election will be in the bag!
2. Shoot Fox News into the sun
3. Jobs for every American. I know, I know, we covered this earlier, but I had to ask again this year
4. A choo-choo train... more specifically, high-speed rail that interconnects the nation and the infrastructure to support it
5. A carton of cigarettes and the ability to smoke them all without getting caught
Thank you, Santa, for reading yet another of my Christmas lists. I hope you have a Merry Christmas, and please don't mind the soy milk, you know how my wife is with all this healthy food crap. Like Lewis Black said, I've never seen a soy cow, but I digress!
President Barack Obama - Return to Previous Page
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