Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Elves go on strike as North Pole outsources more jobs to China
12/23/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock -
At this hour, PTP has confirmed reports that Santa's North Pole workshop has completely shut down production with less than 48 hours to go until Christmas morning, with the remnants of his elven staff on strike. The tiny magical humanoids are demanding that Santa Claus reverse his recent decision to outsource a staggering 40% of the workshop's labor to China, which brings the total number of jobs lost from 2004 through 2011 to 86.5%.
“MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK! We're not going to let the FAT MAN push us around anymore!” rallied one young elf, whose identity was concealed by a “V for Vendetta” Guy Fawkes mask. “Every year, more Elven jobs are outsourced to China, while Santa's belt line grows another inch or two! This isn't about the quality of our labor, it's about Santa wanting to build an extension on his summer home in Cape Cod! We've seen that Mercedes commercial Santa, you capitalist pig!”
“It's disgusting, he treats us like we're sub-human. I mean, yes, I know we aren't `human' really, but does that mean we deserve this sort of treatment? Hell no!” cheered another elven demonstrator. “He never has a problem getting Rudolf his cocaine, does he? How else do you think Santa's sleigh can visit over a billion homes in 24 hours? His nose is red because he huffs down more blow than Whitney Houston, Kate Moss, and Marion Barry going to Vegas together. He can pay for smack, but he can't pay his workers? That's bull crap!”
Representatives for the workshop were quick to fire back at the protesters. “We understand how troubling and heartbreaking it must be that these jobs have gone to China, but we didn't have much of a choice,” said a press release issued by Santa's legal team. “No one wants wooden cars or frail toy drums or nutcracker soldiers anymore. Kids these days want Playstations and LCD televisions and dolls that crap and wet themselves when you feed them. Elves simply aren't trained enough to make products like this.”
The elves' union is demanding that Santa reinstate at least 50% of the jobs he's outsourced since 2004, and pay for training and education that would bring the elves “up to date” on manufacturing modern Christmas gifts. However, the Tooth Fairy has explained to PTP that Santa is secretly planning on dumping the rest of the elven jobs in 2012, and may even retire from delivering gifts entirely, possibly replacing himself with Hollywood actor Tim Allen. Not because Allen has played Santa in films, but because “it's not like Tim Allen has anything better to do these days.” - Return to Previous Page
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