Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Billions celebrate the last Christmas on Earth
12/25/2011 9:37 PM Matt Rock
With the Mayans, the Hopi, Nostradamus, Hollywood, the “Bible code,” and new-age authors who smell like patchouli and think grass mulch can cure cancer all predicting that the world will end on December 21st, 2012, we here at PTP thought we'd take a moment to appreciate what very well could be the very last Christmas we'll ever get to experience here on Earth.
By now, most of you will have finished your Christmas celebrations. You woke up at some ungodly hour to your kids bouncing on your bed, only to go downstairs to open the uninspired “presents” that your spouse charged to your credit card. After a few cups of coffee and the ceremonial morning slaying of three goats in honor of the baby Jesus (your family does slay goats for Jesus, right? Or do you say “happy holidays” along with the rest of the pagans?), you piled your family into the minivan, then headed over to your mother-in-law's place for yet another awkward holiday meal and some generic chatter with people you were anxious to stop talking to back when Thanksgiving happened.
And then you got home, popped a few Aleve, and after your kids have charged off to their rooms to play with all of their new toys, and your spouse is firmly embedded on the sofa and plugged into the TV, you're finally taking some downtime, reading what silly articles you missed on PTP today before you search the internet for its latest and greatest pornography. Sounds like your Christmas went just like ours did!
Christmas is a holiday we're really going to miss after the world ends. We had some really fond memories over the years. Greg's Red Ryder BB gun, Matt's 1989 Gameboy, that creepy “Cricket” doll Alyson had, Floyd's tree house that collapsed last weekend and killed Frank, who was squatting there... there were some great gifts over the years, that's for sure! But more important than the presents were the people we celebrated each Christmas with. All of those people will be zombies next Christmas, so we sure hope you got in those verbal barbs you've been storing up all year for Christmas dinner! It's no fun yelling at a brain-dead monster. Just as your spouse! Oh, snap!
On behalf of everyone here at PTP, especially Bridget down in marketing who plans on being known as “The Empress of New Washington” when she raises her post-apocalyptic army to enslave the survivors of 2012, we hope you had a safe, fun, and worthwhile final Christmas on Earth. Don't forget to write our web address on your forehead so that we know not to kill you when we encounter your animated zombie corpse next Christmas! - Return to Previous Page
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