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Santorum campaign accepts “unsavory” corporate contributions
12/28/2011 9:01 PM Matt Rock -
With primary voting starting next month, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's struggling presidential campaign has found itself accepting contributions from any source willing to dish them up. But a new surge in funds from a wide range of corporate sponsors might help propel Santorum toward primary victory.
“I'm proud to announce that Trojan condoms, KY Jelly, Charmin Toilet Paper, and Colt Studios are now helping fund this campaign,” said Santorum while speaking earlier today in Iowa. “This latest round of advertisers will give my campaign the strength and girth it needs to really make a full, penetrating impact on the back-end of this primary race.”
When the audience exploded in laughter, Santorum was quick to defend his newest donors, making it apparent that he had no idea what half of them were. “Can we please be mature, folks? I know that Trojan condoms and Charmin toilet paper might spark your adolescent funny bones, but they're great companies who really believe in my vision for America.”
One courageous reporter asked if these endorsements had anything to do with Dan Savage's campaign to ruin Rick Santorum's name on Google. “Oh, because of the condoms and the toilet paper? I get it. No, I don't think it has anything to do with that. They just believe in me is all. This has nothing to do with their trying to cash in on the vulgar, disturbing `definition' you'll find when you Google `Santorum.' Corporations are people too, you know. They aren't going to ruin my good name just for their own profit margins. That would be absurd!”
“Trojan promotes safe sex. I prefer abstinence, but whatever, I'll take what I can get I suppose. Charmin makes a product none of us could really live without. I don't know what KY Jelly is, but I'm guessing it's a food product. I'll have to get back to you on that. And Colt Studios makes movies, I know that much. I'm guessing they make pro- second amendment films or documentaries about cowboys? I would happily stand behind them in either case. I'm sure they bend over backwards to produce quality motion pictures the whole family can...”
At that moment, a campaign staffer rushed up on the stage to whisper in Santorum's ear. “GAY PORN?! WHAT THE FU... uh... uh... how much did they pay us? Really!? [coughing, clearing his throat] well, I think that just about does it for questions today! The takeaway here is that all of my endorsements come from... uh... reputable... oh screw it, why am I even still running?” - Return to Previous Page
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