Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Police fight rioters as Iowans celebrate final night of GOP primary season
1/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
With the Iowa caucuses finally happening tomorrow, Iowans are taking their jubilation to the streets of their state tonight, celebrating with block parties and festivals that span from Clinton in the East, to some other city you've never heard of in the West.
“I can't believe the primary is finally here,” said Georgette Eastfield, 29, of Des Moines, who ran up to us half-naked and continued stripping while we talked to her. “It's time to let loose! WOOHOO! No more campaign ads, no more weirdo Republican teenagers knocking on our doors and making us think the Mormons are stopping in, and NO MORE POLLS! If I answer one more effing poll I might just kill a guy! Hey, you want to come back to my place? My seven kids are all sleeping!”
“This party has been a long time coming,” said Tim Broadbent, 44, of Davenport. “Tonight, we're letting it all hang out. The streets of Iowa will flow with Milwaukee's Beast and popcorn balls and crystal meth, and this party won't stop until the cow's come home! No, seriously, have you seen any stray cows wandering around? They may have gotten into my meth lab. There's nothing scarier than a bovine hopped up on crystal meth. I've seen it before... it's pretty scary. Milk and dung everywhere. I really need to find them!”
Others were slightly more reserved in their celebratory behavior. “I done lived here in Iowa my whole life,” said Carl Dolecek, 67, of Winterset, the only sober person we could find. “I've lived through every caucus since 1944, and I remember them all since the late 40's. This one was the craziest I done ever seen! I hope them-there Mayan Indians were right and that 2012 is the last year on Earth. These keep getting more intense. I don't think Iowa could survive past the 2016 caucuses. No way, no how!”
Police in Des Moines reported that small riots had broken out near Fairmont Park and also in Sherman Hill, when a nearby children's hospital refused to give a large group of celebrators access to oxycodone, morphine, and other drugs. There are unconfirmed reports at this hour that GOP presidential candidate and Texas Governor Rick Perry may have subdued much of the rioting single-handedly, by doling out his own private stash of prescription drugs, the same ones that made him hug a bottle of maple syrup in new Hampshire. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Hal Sparks Live at the Drafthouse
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|