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Jesus instructs Bachmann to suspend her campaign
1/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has decided to suspend her 2012 presidential campaign. Bachmann, who finished with an embarrassing 5% of the caucus votes in her home State of Iowa when the final votes were tallied at about 1:30 am this morning, seemed determined to press forward with her campaign last night. But today, she gave a more somber outlook on things.
“I called Jesus' cell at around 4 am, to ask what he thought of my finish,” Bachmann said, fighting back the tears as she attempted to press forward during her Iowa campaign-suspension speech. “I asked if he had forsaken me. If I did something wrong. But he just said that my loss was `an epic fail' and told me to suspend my campaign. So that's what I'm doing. He also gave me an address, and asked that I send him a $5,000 prepaid Visa card. I'm not in the habit of second-guessing the will of my Lord and Savior. I will do as he commands.”
However, Bachmann's now-former campaign manager, Keith Nahigian, told PTP that there's an interesting twist to the story of Bachmann's conversations with Jesus over the years. “Michele tends to call `Jesus' every time she's upset or curious about something. She usually just pulls her cell phone out of her purse and randomly punches in numbers, saying that God will guide her fingers. We ended up with fifteen orders of Kung Pow chicken once. If you're wondering why our campaign failed, that should give you a hint.”
Our expert investigative journalism team was able to uncover phone records and track down the person that Bachmann had confused with Jesus, finding a man named Sam White, 39, of Seattle Washington. “I was woken up in the middle of the night by someone claiming to be Michele Bachmann. I didn't believe her... I thought it was a prank call. So I told her to suspend her campaign, because I think she's an idiot, and asked her for five grand. I also told her I'm an Obama supporter... funny she didn't mention that. Whatever though, she owes me money for being such a moron, and for waking me up before I have to go to work. I guess the kids are getting a second Christmas soon, though, so I can't really complain too much.” - Return to Previous Page
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