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Texas Governor Rick Perry Reaches Compromise On Abortion, Marijuana and Fatty Foods
6/4/2011 8:18 AM Jake
Last week, as conservative Republicans in Texas made national news with the debut of a bill requiring women seeking abortions to be informed about the status of the fetus and see a sonogram, Rick Perry found inspiration in the way that the left and right were able to reach a compromise on the issue.
“Informed consent is really the best way to go, we think,” Perry said in an interview with the Austin Times. “Since this solution has solved the issue for most involved, we’ve decided to extrapolate the idea into other fields.”
Perry went on to say that legislation is being drafted in the Texas Senate in order to clear up legal and moral issues around several issues important to citizens in not only Texas, but the rest of the nation as well.
“We’d like to see marijuana legalized, so it can be taxed. We’d like to stop intruding on those who want to eat fatty foods, so they can eat happier.”
A separate piece of legislation has been drafted for each measure.
The Texas Marijuana Reform Act, also known as “Willie’s Law,” will legalize the commercial sale of small amounts of marijuana for personal use in the state of Texas. However, purchasers will have to sit through a three hour lecture on how Pink Floyd went downhill after Syd Barret left the band, delivered by an intoxicated youth known only as “Dogsick.”
“With any luck,” Perry explained, “seeing Dogsick and hearing how he doesn’t think the Wall deserved to be the commercial success that it was will keep people from making the wrong decisions concerning marijuana.”
Another law, the Unhealthy Alternative Lifestyle act, or “The Fat Law” will allow customers to purchase any manner of fattening food or drink from where ever they wish, although a small tax will be levied.
“We plan to give the citizens who meet the requirements for the Fat Law a quadruple bypass in order to warn them of the danger of eating foods like these, as well as require them to sit for forty-eight hours in a casket in order to receive a license to receive cheeseburgers.”
Opponents of the law could not be reached for comment, as the majority of them had burned their houses down and moved to other states the same week of this announcement. - Return to Previous Page
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