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Gay barbarians lay siege to Michele Bachmann's congressional re-election bid
1/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
Former GOP presidential primary candidate Michele Bachmann has kicked off her re-election efforts to hold onto her congressional seat in Minnesota. But almost immediately after her announcement, a marauding horde of gay barbarians ransacked her unfinished campaign headquarters.
“I was terrified. I can't even put the horrors I witnessed into words,” said Carl Stevens, 49, a Bachmann volunteer from Minneapolis. “They kidnapped her husband (Marcus Bachmann), and took him off to a room in the back of the building. We could hear him ordering them to stop tickling him, and then... oh god... those screams... they'll haunt me until my dying day. You could tell he was being tortured, because he kept yelling `oh yes!' I think they were forcing him to surrender his secrets!”
“They ripped my clothes off. I thought for sure I was going to get raped,” said Robert Bremer, 37, another campaign volunteer. “Before I knew it, they had dressed me over from top to bottom in a new suit, with a lime green cardigan and something called an `ascot,” all while blasting Barbra Streisand on vinyl. I'll never be the same. This was the worst sort of terror.”
After redecorating Bachmann's campaign headquarters with feng shui and replacing all of their food with low-carb substitutes, the gay barbarians stormed off toward the north, with Marcus Bachmann in their custody and the United States National Guard in hot pursuit. Authorities are warning Minnesotans to stay indoors, and say that if you need to leave your home, make sure your clothes don't clash and aren't too 2011. - Return to Previous Page
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