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President Obama calls in SEAL Team Six to fight contraception battle
2/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock
With debate regarding the White House's health care contraception mandate spreading like genital warts, President Obama has been struggling to keep the Democratic party onboard, without further radicalizing the right. But he may have found the ultimate tool that can help him carve out legislative victories, not just in this fight, but in those to come: SEAL Team Six.
“The President decided to send SEAL Team Six up to Capitol Hill, and let me tell you, those guys know how to get the job done,” explained White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “There wasn't any screwing around. Not only did we lose all of the opposition to this mandate, but I'm pretty sure John Boehner won't leave his house again without wearing a condom!”
“ST6” infiltrated the Capitol Building at approximately 15:27 Zulu, or 10:27 am local, human-people time. They breached the chamber of the House of Representatives roughly three minutes later, using breaching charges on the doors and flashbang grenades in the room. The entire operation had ended by 10:35 am local time, with 100% legislative support behind the mandate.
“Let me be clear. I don't like using force when I don't have to,” said President Obama. “But SEAL Team Six are my guys. Osama Bin Laden, two different groups of pirates, Kim Jong Il, Muammar Gadhafi, `Desperate Housewives,' Michael Jackson... yeah, that's right, I killed the King of Libya AND the King of Pop! These guys are so much fun to use! And from now on I'll be sending in my boys each and every time there's a nasty legislative fight on the Hill. I'll be a ten-term President, baby!” - Return to Previous Page
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