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Sarah Palin travels to wrong “CPAC” event, finds even crazier people
2/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock
Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is set to deliver the keynote speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (“CPAC”) this Saturday, flew to the wrong Washington today to speak on the wrong day at the wrong event, ending up in Seattle, Washington on Thursday and speaking – or at least attempting to speak – at the “Crazy People's Aluminum Caps” event, which took place in an old abandoned school.
All of the witnesses in the audience threatened to stab us if we didn't stop transmitting their “brain secrets” via Russian satellites to an alien race of squirrels that have apparently begun a massive invasion of Earth's fast food industry, but we did speak with some of Palin's own staffers who described the event.
“We kept telling Sarah `No, the event is Saturday, and this is the wrong Washington,' but she refused to listen,” said one anonymous staffer. “So we ended up in this scary building, surrounded by weirdos who probably smothered their friends with pillows right before they made their big escapes. It was a terrifying ordeal, but Sarah killed tonight! I don't mean that literally.”
Palin's entourage reports that the former Vice Presidential candidate took the stage, in the old school's auditorium, approximately two hours before we published this story. Our sources claim that Palin, who wore a Kaiser helmet made out of aluminum foil and danced a jig while eating her way out of fruit roll-up mask, delivered a “moving” speech on Conservative idealism and ending the socialist manifesto, before reciting all of the lyrics from Paris Hilton's bomb of an album and then chasing a few audience members around with a huge rubber chicken.
“I have to say, Mrs. Palin... she fit right in with this group,” said one of our anonymous sources. “I'm pretty sure they're going to ask her back next year, and I'm willing to bet she's going to say `yes' on that. It sure beats the real CPAC, which is pretty much nothing more than a huge competition to see who the most out-of-touch Republican is. Next year, I'm bringing my own bodily-fluid fondue!” - Return to Previous Page
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