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Glenn Beck arrested after attempting to date-rape the US Constitution
2/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
Conservative radio Sasquatch Glenn Beck was arrested in Washington DC this afternoon when Park Police allegedly caught him attempting to slip rufinol into the display case of the United States Constitution at the National Archives. Beck is being held without bond until the FBI, NSA, CIA, and EPA are finished concluding their investigations, though many believe he will be released without charges because of his celebrity status.
“Beck shows up in a tuxedo every year on Valentine's Day, so we didn't think much of it when he set out roses and candles, and put a box of chocolates on the case,” said Teresa Chambers, Chief of the United States Park Police. “We know he's batty, but we all thought he was pretty harmless. It's just one of those eccentric things he's known to do around Washington. But that's when we let our guard down. It won't happen again.”
Chambers explained that Beck was whispering with the Constitution while eating a steak dinner, having set out a salad and a Diet Coke for his “date.” After giggling about the second and tenth amendments for a bit, Park Police made the fatal error of turning their back on the former Fox pundit.”
“Our officers left the room for a moment to get something out of a vending machine,” Chambers detailed. “When they came back, Beck had his pants around his ankles, and he was trying to slip roofies into the display case. He started crying when we arrested him, though he cries about literally everything, so who cares.” - Return to Previous Page
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