Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Personhood Bills stir controversy
2/19/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden
The Personhood Bills currently making their way through the Oklahoma and Virginia State Legislatures may break ground in ways that result in some surprising, unintended consequences. The controversial bills, which would define a fertilized egg as a person, are intended to effectively ban abortion in the states by making the practice tantamount to murder. However, both legal experts and poultry farmers agree that, if the bill becomes law, it would have much more far-reaching consequences.
Lawyers for women’s advocacy groups are predicting a cascading effect that will alter the legal landscape not just for women who are fighting to maintain control over their own bodies, but for men as well. Nancy Shapiro, an attorney for The Virginia Women’s Reproductive Rights Alliance, insists “If these bills become law, men who receive vasectomies will be required to carry a permit for their concealed, uh, weapons. To not fertilize an egg is to retroactively murder another human being, and that means that a man who shoots blanks may as well be shooting real bullets – especially if he’s a hot 30 year old love machine looking to score with a 46 year old attorney in her sexual prime. So anyone who finds himself accused of such naughty criminal behavior, be sure to stop by my office late at night so I can thoroughly, vigorously and repeatedly mount your defense against these outrageous, baseless charges!”
And the effects of the legislation could go well beyond the boundaries of legal precedence, reverberating throughout Western philosophy as well.
Speaking for El Pollo Local, an Oklahoma state poultry industry trade group that encourages Oklahomans to eat locally-grown chickens, Victor Stumps expressed the philosophical question the Oklahoma Personhood Bill addresses in his state. “This bill represents an important first step toward solving the age-old quandary that has dogged chicken farmers for years. If a fertilized human egg is a human being, then it follows that a fertilized chicken egg is a chicken. No chicken farmer will ever spend another sleepless night asking himself over and over again, ‘Which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ When the Personhood Bill becomes law, the question will become ‘Which came first, the chicken or the chicken?’ The answer will be obvious: it’s the damn chicken!” - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.