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Republican legislators push to privatize Police Departments
7/1/2011 4:05 PM Matt Terzi
Congressional Majority Leader Eric Cantor announced this morning a sweeping push by House Republicans to set in motion a new bill that would drastically cut Federal funding to States that do not adopt privatized law enforcement by 2013. This new bill would allow private sector “police companies” to take over law enforcement efforts at the local and State levels, while insurance companies, offering a new “police protection insurance,” would charge citizens a nominal fee for access to police protection.
“We believe police departments, operated as-is, are socialist in nature,” explained Cantor during his press conference. “We can't topple the socialism at the Federal level until we go after the socialism on the local and State levels. This bill would get rid of one of America's oldest entitlement programs.”
The proposed new bill was applauded across the board by Conservatives this morning. Radio host Bill Rushbeck was particularly jubilant. “This new bill will help eradicate the pinko liberal threat! It's about time! But you know who won't be happy, don't you? `Nobama,' that's who! That's because he wants taxpayers to pay for everyone! Who uses the police more than anyone? That's right, the ghetto's, and they're poor, so they pay less taxes than real Americans. I shouldn't have to pay for someone whose house gets robbed! Why don't they have a security system? A gun? Armed bodyguards? Five Rottweilers? It's communism, that's why! Fascism! Muslims! Al Qaeda!”
According to senior-level insurance industry executives, the new bill would offer sweeping changes to how emergencies are handled. If the bill is passed, citizens with police insurance would call 911, where an operator would ask for the customer's insurance identification. That operator would then contact the customer's insurance provider, where claims adjusters would review the case within three business days, and then inform the operator of whether the police can be sent to assist the citizen, or if coverage has been denied due to pre-existing conditions.
“It'll cost a little bit more than citizens pay for those services today through their taxes,” explained Cantor, “but at least taxes aren't involved, and that's a good start. Also, there's no mandate, so you only buy the insurance if you really need it or want it. I mean, would you rather have 0.15% tacked onto your local and State taxes? Or would you prefer to optionally pay $1,200 per month for insurance? I think the answer is pretty obvious.”
Opponents of the proposed bill question whether a profit motive should be involved with basic essential services, but Cantor was relentless in his endorsement of the new measures. “Look, the government needs to cut spending. We can't raise taxes, because that's socialist. So our only option is to turn to the private sector, who'd be better at this sort of thing anyway.”
“Look, people are poor by choice. Everyone whose poor consciously decided that they'd rather go without food than find a nice high-paying white collar job like the rest of us. Poverty is a choice, just like homosexuality and being a minority. I'm not out of touch, they are! Anyway, if they want police insurance, they'll have to run out and get a master's degree from Columbia and practice law just like I had to do. And if they can't afford the insurance, I'm sure the Church can arm nuns as vigilantes and have them fight crime each night. That's how capitalism and charity are supposed to work.”
The Tea Party has not yet endorsed the new bill, citing that it fails to adequately insult socialism, it doesn't expand to add fire departments or public schools, it doesn't attempt to impeach President Obama, and it doesn't contain any legislation related to abortions. House Speaker John Boehner is expected to negotiate with Tea Party representatives and Michele Bachmann this week in an attempt to revise the bill to include some, if not all, of their proposals. - Return to Previous Page
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