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Romney declares himself the anti-Romney
3/4/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden -
Mitt Romney took the next logical step in his campaign for the Republican nomination today when he proclaimed himself the one, true anti-Romney. Speaking to reporters at a campaign stop in Toledo, Ohio, Romney touted his new campaign strategy as “a bold move that will, once and for all, win me the hearts of all Republicans, whether they be fiscally conservative and socially moderate, fiscally moderate and socially conservative, white collar, blue collar, multimillionaires, multi-multi millionaires, multi-multi mega multimillionaires, or just dumb hicks who eke out a living cooking crystal meth like those good-hearted, salt-of-the-earth, backcountry rubes in Winter’s Bone.”
Romney appeared eager to share his new strategy with reporters: “On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’ll be a Massachusetts Moderate who pretends he’s really a true blue Conservative who loves 1955 TV America and hates post 1955 TV America, except for Gilligan’s Island, Time Tunnel and Bewitched - the one with the old Darren. On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I’ll be a true blue Conservative who pretends he cares about so called ‘people’ like single mothers, foster children, those who let themselves get too old and, I don’t know, I guess bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits are popular, right? The point is that now every Republican can take a fresh look at the new, old, new Mitt Romney and say, ‘Jeepers! Somebody finally came up with an anti-Romney who combines the rugged good looks of Mitt Romney with the integrity, hypocrisy, intelligence, dim-wittedness, bold thinking, pettiness, sunny optimism and gloomy prognosticating of all those other candidates who aren’t Mitt Romney, even though they probably wish they were – especially Santorum!’”
When reporters pointed out that he hadn’t picked a persona for Sundays, Romney paused for a moment to appear thoughtful. “Sundays will be the same as always. I’ll be in The Chamber, taking in nutrients and updating my software.” - Return to Previous Page
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