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PTP's Super Tuesday predictions project big wins for everyone who isn't Ron Paul
3/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock
Pardon the Pundit, who totally deserves a Pulitzer, or a Peabody, or an Emmy, or at least one of those SEAL Team Six sandwiches we've made famous, is pulling out all of the stops for Super Tuesday, kicking off our festivities with a State-by-State analysis of projections that will help you, our loyal readers, figure out who to vote for when you head to the polls today. Because hey, you don't want to vote for the guy that's going to lose, right? In alphabetical order, here are the States, and who we think will win each of them. Enjoy!
Alaska: You might think the disattached, frozen wastes of Alaska will vote for Newt Gingrich, since Sarah Palin has endorsed him, and the Palin family makes up at least 75% of the State's population. But nope, they're going to vote for Romney, because when you think of the phrases “cold,” “remote,” “isolated,” and “incapable of relating to the rest of America,” the two nouns that come immediately to mind are “Mitt Romney” and “Alaska.” Second place will go to Rick Santorum, because he loves him some sweater vests, and it's effing cold up there!
Georgia: Newt Gingrich is going to narrowly defeat Mitt Romney here, largely because his head most closely resembles a peach of all the four remaining GOP candidates.
Idaho: The Potato State is looking like a strong win for Romney, with its huge Mormon population. Second place will go to Santorum, because Idaho is filled with some of the most anally-retentive Republicans in America.
Massachusetts: Ron Paul will do better here than in any other State, coming in second place, but Romney is going to win it again. He knows how to pak the cah in the yad.
North Dakota: Santorum is going to edge out Romney in this caucus. Third place will probably go to whichever candidate is willing to say North and South Dakota should be combined into one State, because let's face it, South Dakota is way better than North Dakota. Sorry folks, it's just how it is!
Ohio: PTP is predicting a big win for Santorum here, because of the new construction of a sweater vest factory just outside Columbus. Romney will come in second, because... well... because we say so.
Oklahoma: Santorum will top Romney here, because OHHH... KLA... Homa, where the something-something-something-something plains!
Tennessee: Santorum over Gingrich, with Romney in third. Can we have Frank back now?
Vermont: Romney is going to win heavily in Vermont, with Ron Paul in distant second. If Ron Paul stays in the race after Super Tuesday, we're going to start thinking he must've lost a bet.
Virginia: Romney will win in Virginia, and even though Romney and Paul are the only two candidates on the ballot here, Ron Paul will still manage to finish in third place here. - Return to Previous Page
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