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Nation recovers from massive binge drinking following Super Tuesday
3/7/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden
If your morning commute was a little more painful (and ugly) than normal, it wasn't your imagination: blame the presidential campaigns. According to the Bureau of Alcohol Use, yesterday's primaries and caucuses were responsible for more drinking than on any election day or holiday in decades, as voters went to bars and bought booze in droves to drown out any thoughts of politics or candidates. Several states have called on the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to declare themselves disaster zones, as so many first responders and medical personnel called in sick to work. At least a dozen states closed schools and nearly a dozen others are considering doing the same.
"We have never seen data like this before. Whole states are dry today as a result of last night's drinking frenzy. We had no idea this was coming. We had no warning," said John DeWitt, spokesman for the Bureau. "We've been keeping records of how much Americans drink since prohibition was repealed, and this is the single highest drinking night we've ever recorded. We didn't even think people could drink this much, and we suspect people were giving their pets alcohol."
Public health officials reported a sharp increase in booze-related hospitalizations and emergencies, and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is calling on the public to "turn off cable news." The agency released the following statement, "We understand that the nation has been riveted by more than a year of a presidential campaign that has nearly eight more months left in it. We are aware that the Republican Party has held 20 primary debates. We would like to remind Americans that March madness is just starting and baseball season is around the corner, and ask that people take a break from CNN, FOX News and MSNBC to get outside, maybe read a book or have sex with their significant others or even a random person they meet in a non-bar atmosphere. Politico may be interesting, but there are other things going on besides the presidential election." - Return to Previous Page
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