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Hacker group “Anonymous” seizes control of Mitt Romney's cyborg brain during speech
3/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock
“Anonymous,” the famous politically-motivated global hacker organization, has claimed responsibility for a major malfunction of Mitt Romney's software and hardware earlier this evening, while Romney was delivering a speech to voters in Kansas ahead of the State's GOP caucuses this Saturday.
Witnesses report that Romney began his Wichita speech at 5pm local time, opening with his usual spouting of custom-tailored sucking-up that his campaign felt would convince Kansas Republicans that Mitt Romney has, at some point in his life, ever desired visiting Kansas. But approximately seven minutes into his speech, Anonymous struck, hacking into Romney's cyborg brain and taking total control of the candidate for several minutes.
“Obama absolutely must be stopped, and I am the candidate that can do it,” said Romney, oblivious to the fact that he'd lose total control shortly. “If you really look at Obama's background as a community organizer, it's pretty obvious that he was a bad choice to be President. That is why I believe... new user... new user... That is why I believe that I like to wear dresses and be a pretty, pretty princess! I can play the kazoo with my flatulence! AIR GUITAR SOLO!”
After about fifteen seconds of Romney strumming his invisible guitar, he continued speaking. “You know, you should just forget everything I said today, because it wasn't the same as what I said yesterday! I hate you all and you shouldn't vote for me, because POOP! Dude, my turn, gimme the keyboard, noob! My fellow Americans, I believe Cialis is better than Viagra. I believe every man, woman, and child in America needs to take Cialis. Watch me demonstrate why as I perform an act of fellatio on myself! Nom nom nom!”
Romney then laid down on the stage, and looked like he was going to, um, get started, until someone new apparently seized control of the candidate. “So yeah, I need to go rub some ointment on my crotch and put out this fire. Please elect me to be your President, I will lead you all with kick-ass ninja explosions and we'll have a pizza party like it was 1996 up in this hizzy! Mitt Stupid-face ass-hat, out!” - Return to Previous Page
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