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Rock, paper, scissors likely to settle Republican nomination
3/13/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden -
PTP has learned from a source who sits on the Republican National Committee that if, as now appears likely, none of the Party’s candidates makes to the convention in Tampa with the 1144 delegates needed to wrap up the nomination, the RNC will settle matters with a high stakes game of rock, paper, scissors.
According to our source, “At first we were going to stage one last debate, in which the candidates would have the opportunity to provide thoughtful, nuanced solutions for the complex problems that plague America, but then we realized that these guys have had 20 debates already and the only talent they have consistently demonstrated is a knack for playing verbal whack-a-mole on each other’s heads. Then we thought, `hey, how about a real game of whack-a-mole?' But we figured that might leave us with a literally brain dead nominee, versus the figuratively brain dead nominee we’re going to end up with. I know, it sounds like we’re splitting hairs, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Anyway, our next thought was to turn to one of the big names in the party, like Sarah Palin, but our internal polling revealed that most Republicans would rather eat a pickled dog butt sandwich than see Palin get pulverized by Barack Obama in the general election. In the end we settled on rock, paper, scissors because we got bored with the whole exercise and everybody knows we’re going to get creamed in the general election anyway.”
Asked which of the candidates he thinks will prevail in the tie-breaker, our source was confident of the outcome. “My money’s on Gingrich. If anybody can figure out how to cheat at rock, paper, scissors, it’s Newt.” - Return to Previous Page
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