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Romney offers $25 million, “one night” with his wife, if Santorum and Gingrich drop out
3/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney may have finally found the solution to his delegate math problem. After losing out tonight to rivals Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich in the GOP primaries in both Alabama and Mississippi, Romney has revealed his new, one-word solution to driving his two biggest competitors out of the race in an exclusive interview with PTP: Bribery.
“It's obvious to everyone that I'm America's reluctant choice for primary victory in 2012,” explained Romney. “These two jerks are sticking around even though they both know they don't have a chance. I think Gingrich just wants to sell more books, and Santorum is waiting for Jesus to ride into a primary State with a sword in his mouth, but whatever. I've figured out how to put an end to this stuff once and for all.”
“I'm offering Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, both, their choice of either twenty-five million dollars, or one night with my wife, Ann Romney. Anything goes. Both of those guys can pick one... whichever is more appealing to them. And all they have to do is drop out of the race. Ron Paul can stay in the race for all I care. I have more children than he has delegates.”
We asked what he meant by “one night with his wife,” to which Romney smiled, with a look of despair on his face that said “yep, I'm willing to give up anything at this point.” “The evening will begin at seven, and end at seven the next morning. Twelve full hours with my wife. Anything goes. There aren't any rules here. I've talked to my wife about it, and she's just happy to have the possibility of getting boinked. Yes, I said `boinked.' I'm a wild card!”
We wrapped up our interview by asking Mr. Romney what he thought his wife might have to do with the two candidates. “I haven't really thought that far ahead. I'm not the kind of guy who really thinks much before he talks. I mean hey, I'm a Republican politician after all! So yeah, no idea. Gingrich will probably have sexual intercourse with her. Santorum? He'll probably spoon, or knit a sweater with her, or play a board game, or some other lame crap. I thought I was the Mormon in this race! Hah! I made a human joke!” - Return to Previous Page
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