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President Obama searches White House for magic wand that makes gas prices drop
3/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama, taking criticism from the right for soaring gas prices even after they spent eight years denying that then-President Bush could affect them, stated today that after more than 300 cumulative hours of searching the grounds of the White House, he still has yet to find the magic wand that can lower prices at the pump.
“It has to be around here somewhere, but I just can't find it,” said President Obama, speaking from the Rose Garden, the bags under his eyes showing proof that he's losing sleep over the missing wand. “I searched the West Wing, the East Wing, the Residence, the Portico, and the Rose Garden. I've looked under the Resolute Desk, I've checked my kids' rooms, I questioned the staff... it's nowhere to be found.”
It is said that waving the gas price wand magically makes gas prices lower, and that some Presidents wave it around more than others. However, waving it in the wrong direction can have dire consequences Former Presidents Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter both waved the wand to the left rather than waving it to the right, which caused the 1973 and 1979 gas price surges respectively.
“One must be careful when yielding such a powerful tool,” said magician Harry Potter, who says he is no relation to the Harry Potter from the books and films, even though he wears the same power-nerd glasses and has a tacky lightning bolt tattoo on his forehead. “You must wave the wand with prudence, as whenever it lowers gas prices, it also lowers the profits of oil companies. They're already trying to squeak by on a few paltry billions of dollars in net profits every quarter. Lower the prices too much, and they might only make a single billion of net profits! Who would do such a terrible thing to them?”
President Obama seems confident in his ability to competently use the wand... if he can find it, of course. “I've asked the White House senior staff, Congress, the cast of SNL, and SEAL Team Six to all join me in the search for the magic wand. We'll find it one of these days. I just hope President Bush didn't take it down to Texas with him, even though he never once used it. The guy spent more than a third of his Presidency on that stupid ranch of his, literally. Knowing my luck, he put it in a wood-chipper while clearing brush.” - Return to Previous Page
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