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Obama promises anything for votes
3/20/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden -
President Obama’s campaign for re-election began in earnest last weekend when, after downing a pint of Guinness to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, the President got on the phone and began dialing random numbers in swing states, promising anyone who answered anything they wanted in exchange for their vote in November.
First to hear from the President was Wilma Parkell, a housewife from Cincinnati, Ohio. “The phone rang and I thought it was one of those robo-calls you get from candidates just when you’re about to sit down for dinner. But when the President introduced himself and asked me what it would take to get my vote, I was floored. It took me a minute to sort out my priorities. I thought about going for world peace and a renewed spirit of principled compromise in Washington, but what I really need is something to make life easier in the kitchen. I finally settled on a Kitchen Aid mixer. Gee, I guess I’ll have to register to vote now.”
When Ted Spencer, a barber from Pontiac, Michigan, answered his phone, he thought someone was playing a joke on him. “My son-in-law does this spot-on Obama impression. I thought it was him on the phone kidding around. Then I realized that the leader of the free world promising some regular schmoe anything for his vote isn’t all that funny. Anyway, once I knew this was the real deal, I went for round-the-clock Secret Service protection. They’re here with me now, frisking my wife for the fifth time today and running a background check on my dog. I’ll tell you what, there’s nothing like round-the-clock Secret Service protection to make you feel more important than you really are. No wonder all those Republican candidates want it.”
One recipient of Obama’s largesse was able to grasp the full implications of the President’s offer. Christie Bell, a 19 year-old sophomore at Florida State, drives an exceedingly hard bargain. “I went for my very own aircraft carrier. A certain frat boy down here who doesn’t know how to treat a lady is about to get a lesson in manners from the U.S. Navy. Also, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to bomb Cuba. I was going to vote for Obama, anyway, so mega-double bonus!” - Return to Previous Page
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