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Violence erupts after Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street protesters find themselves agreeing
3/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock
A war of words quickly escalated into a war of physical violence after members of the Tea Party and members of Occupy Wall Street found themselves coming head-to-head in the streets of New York City this evening. Police are reporting twelve injuries and over two-dozen arrests because of the melee, and reports are breaking right now over what caused the mother-f#@%in ruckus.
“It started out amicably. We were marching, and the Tea Party was protesting in a spot when we came around a corner,” said a young hipster woman identifying herself as Sunshine Starfish, 19, of Occupy Wall Street. “They started yelling at us, and we started yelling at them, and no one could hear anyone else because there was so much yelling!”
According to Starfish, that's when things started getting out of hand. “We were all like `your corporate masters manufactured Mitt Romney!' And they were like `Yeah, well we think Mitt Romney is a tool! Obama is destroying America!' And it kept going like that for a while. But then someone on our side said we don't trust the government to fix anything, and then a Tea Partier said the same thing, and that's when the crazy stuff started happening.”
Police responding to the scene say both the Occupiers and the Tea Partiers snapped into standing comatose states for nearly a full minute, their eyes dilating and their chins accumulating drool. After approximately 57 seconds, however, both groups erupted into violence.
“We were lucky, really,” explained NYPD Chief Joseph Esposito. “These teenagers are all skinny, frail hipster douchebags, and these Tea Partiers are all skinny, frail senior citizens, so neither group could really hurt the other. There were a few bumps, a few scrapes, two broken bongos and a walker that got bent out of shape. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was the funniest fight I've ever seen in my entire life. Should make for a few laughs around Thanksgivings tables, for sure. And maybe in the future, these two groups will realize they're both right in some ways, both wrong in some ways, and both annoying in a lot of ways!” - Return to Previous Page
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