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Supreme Court accidentally outlaws health care entirely
3/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock
The United States Supreme Court, hearing cases for and against the Health Care Reform Act of 2010, has outlawed all health care in the United States, making it a crime punishable by up to fifty years in prison as a patient, and seventy years as a health care provider. The Justices have since admitted they've made a terrible mistake, and have vowed to reverse their grievous error tomorrow morning.
“Several of the Justices were in a rush to get home on time for `Jeopardy!,'” said John Covault, a lawyer representing the Obama administration. “So they rushed through the language, and managed to outlaw all of health care in the United States. But they'll fix it tomorrow morning, sometime after they catch their early bird specials at Old Country Buffet.”
The accidental new law prohibits any and all health care from being sought or administered, and treats over-the-counter medications, including band-aids and some cosmetics, as high-grade narcotics. The law also mandates that all US citizens must call their grandparents at least once each week, and must actually visit when they say they're going to visit. Last but not least, the law will require every television network to carry re-runs of Matlock from 5am to 4pm, seven days per week.
“A lot of these justices are older,” explained Covault. “It's a questionable system we use, when half of them forget their own names most days. Anyone that could be portrayed in an episode of `Mad Men' as an older person even back then shouldn't be a Supreme Court Justice. Accidents like this could be preventable, and the government would certainly save a lot of money on robes.” - Return to Previous Page
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