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Oil companies fight back against Obama, defend their subsidies
3/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama spoke out against tax subsidies for Big Oil today, asking that Congress no longer reward oil companies that are taking in record profits as they also charge staggering prices at the pump. The speech was applauded by many on the left and even some on the right, but one group is outraged at the President's suggestions... Big Oil.
“How dare he try to take our subsidies away!” yelled eccentric oil tycoon Jimmy Sealclubber, 71, probably of Texas. “President Obama just doesn't get it. He thinks we're turning over billions of dollars in net profit each quarter, and that we're all billionaires because of it. But what that Kenyan socialist doesn't realize is that most oil tycoons are only hundreds-of-millions-aires. Why, just last year, I only made $971 million! That ain't a billion... just ask the guys at my all-white, men-only golf retreat!”
“Y'all think we don't need no subsidies? Well let me tell you why we do,” Sealclubber continued. “Oil companies make a few billion in profits each quarter. That's NET profit, after the oil's done been paid for and our employees got their paychecks... billions in net profit, every quarter. You're probably thinkin' that sounds like we're pretty high on the hog, right? But without those tax subsidies, we'd be PAYING TAXES! We'd still be earning billions in net profits each quarter, but it'd be fewer billions!”
Sealclubber paused for a moment to laugh at his customers, and after wiping a tear from his eye, he continued. “That would mean fewer solid gold cowboy hats, fewer corporate jumbo jets custom-built for only one passenger with a mechanical bull and a jacuzzi, and worse still... fewer lobbyists giving out money to politicians so they can get us tax subsidies! I call it `The Circle of Life,' but by circle, I mean ripping our customers off every day through price gouging, and by life, I mean hand-washing crude oil off of a pelican with dish soap. And let me tell you folks, you ain't lived but a day if you ain't eaten pelican meat and caviar off a cracker!” - Return to Previous Page
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