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Romney, Koch Brothers reveal their April Fool's plans
4/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is celebrating April Fool's Day this year, pulling campy, uninspired pranks on his unsuspecting – ohh, we almost said “friends” there, almost! – acquaintances, joined by the only two mammals that will ever find anything whatsoever in common with Romney... oil tycoons and creepy, evil Disney antagonists Charles and David Koch, known colloquially as the nefarious Koch Brothers.
“It's become a bit of a tradition for us. We used to invite Warren Buffet too, but he kept whining about his secretary... silly liberal billionaire,” said Romney. “Each year we pull one huge, magnificent prank that trumps the year before. Last year we trumped 2010's prank by involving Donald Trump, so it was twice as funny!”
“This year's prank is a doozy,” said David Koch. “We found this homeless veteran asshole, he was... [Koch paused to laugh heavily] trying to get a job! Hah! So we have this whole `Brewster's Millions' thing set up, where Chuck [Charles Koch] will pretend to be his long-lost uncle, leaving him a $30 million inheritance, and he has to spend it all in thirty days without owning anything, and coming to our office with nothing but the clothes he came in with! Hah!”
“I have $30 million in my sofa cushions,” explained Charles Koch. “What kind of a stupid loser gets all excited over $30 million? So he's all worked up about it, but here's the best part! I can't get it out, it's too funny! After the thirty days are up, and he comes back to us all poor and shit, we're going to say APRIL FOOL'S YOU STUPID PUBLIC-EDUCATED HOBO! Hahahahaha!”
“If that isn't the funniest thing you've ever heard, then you haven't heard my joke about my dad closing a factory and leaving a bunch of stupid jerks unemployed,” said Romney. “I think that's why I'm winning the GOP primary. I'm just naturally hilarious, and people love rich white men that are hilarious!” - Return to Previous Page
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