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President Obama finds magic mirror, learns Mitt Romney can't beat him
4/7/2012 10:20 PM Matt Rock -
President Barack Obama called presumptive GOP primary pick Mitt Romney earlier today, reportedly offering his condolences on having lost the general election... even before it had begun. The President's resounding confidence has been brought about by his discovery of what many White House insiders are describing to be a magic mirror.
“The President wanted a cigarette, but it was cold out that night, so he went for a walk through the basement levels of the White House, where no one would catch him smoking,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, who asked that we keep him anonymous, but he still hasn't paid me back the $20 I lent him last week. “He started looking through some boxes, and that's when he found the mirror.”
“The Mirror” that the not-so-anonymous Carney mentioned dates back to the 15th century. According to White House historians, it was brought to America sometime prior to the Civil War, and was given to President Herbert Hoover by a wealthy supporter of his in 1931. After using the mirror to snort cocaine for the duration of his Presidency, it ended up getting stuffed in a box and crammed in the basement, where it wasn't found until President Obama smoked his cigarette.
“The President thought it looked nice, so he had someone hang it up,” explained Carney. “He was looking in it, sighed, and asked himself if he could beat Mitt Romney. Maybe it was the 80-year old cocaine in the air talking, but the mirror told him he was the fairest of them all, and that he'd beat Romney, hands-down, in the General election.”
Carney says the President has grown quite fond of his new magic mirror. “He obsessively looks into it every morning, asking if he's still the fairest of them all. Of course, the mirror thinks the President has an approval rating of 100%, rather than it being closer to 50%, and that Republicans love him, and Democrats are happy with every single thing he's done. So the answer is yes, cocaine does grow more potent after it's been boxed up for the better part of a century.” - Return to Previous Page
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