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Jesus sends Easter message to Washington, bashes Republicans, Democrats
4/9/2012 12:06 AM Matt Rock -
Jesus Christ, who usually celebrates Easter by taking a day off and relaxing on a private beach in the Caribbean, contacted several news outlets throughout the United States earlier this evening with a message to American politicians, demanding they stop invoking his name for their own political gain, while chastising them for not taking key elements of his message to heart.
“This being an election year, I have to say I'm fed up with how I've been portrayed by Republicans, while Democrats spend too much time talking the talk, and not enough time walking the walk,” explained Jesus. “I'm annoyed by both of these parties, and while I'm not an American, and wouldn't vote even if I were allowed to, I certainly wouldn't endorse any candidate on the left or the right.”
“Republicans invoke my name the most, so they get to taste my sweet, sweet wrath first. Seriously, shut up about me,” Jesus continued. “You can't blather on and on about how much you love me, only to turn around and stick it to the poor. I have a book out that explains my position on poverty pretty well. It's called the `New Testament.' Give it a read sometime, jerks.”
Jesus was quick to express his anger toward Democrats, too. “I can't tell you how truly sickened I am by an entire party that touts itself as being the defenders of the poor, but then do very little to actually help them. They use poverty the same way Republicans use Christianity. They're playing to a niche, and catering to their own political careers by dishing out tiny servings of help to the poor here and there with a smile for the camera. It's pitiful. You jerks want to REALLY help the poor? Push for comprehensive universal healthcare... `real' universal healthcare, like a legitimate single-payer system, or a hybrid of what they have in England or France. Otherwise, seriously, shut the hell up about how awesome you are with caring for people.”
“This isn't the rapture. That'll happen in 2016, a few days before Sarah Palin takes office,” explained Jesus, in closing. “And you know, I'm thinking we might just cancel the rapture entirely. It isn't bad enough that Republicans use my name wrongly, or that Democrats tout themselves as Jesus-like but never get around to helping the poor. I'm pretty upset with voters, too. You guys give these jerks every ounce of their political power. Seriously guys, enough is enough!” - Return to Previous Page
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