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Gingrich holds bake sale, “sperm drive” to alleviate $4.5 million debt
4/9/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock -
Embattled GOP primary candidate Newt Gingrich, who recently revealed on Fox News that his campaign has spent nearly $4.5 million more than they've actually raised, announced earlier this evening that his campaign staff will be hosting a bake sale and “sperm drive” on Wednesday of this week, in the hopes of raising the difference.
“I think this is the best way for our campaign to raise money,” explained Gingrich. “There'll be chocolate chip cookies, strawberry swirl cupcakes, vanilla-mint brownies, and mountains upon mountains of porn. We're bringing the phrase `hands-on campaign volunteering' to a whole new level here!”
Reporters asked Gingrich what a “sperm drive” actually was. “That's easy, really. Volunteers will come down, sell some sperm to a sperm bank, and our campaign gets the proceeds. I don't know how we never thought of this before, actually... we should have been funding the whole campaign this way! Head on down, watch some porn, fill a cup, and buy some cookies! If only the rest of life were that simple! And when you think about it, nothing says `Newt Gingrich' like cupcakes and masturbation.”
What little of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff that still remains have been struggling to come up with a non-offensive name for the event, with names likes “Newt's Brownie-Tug” and “The Great American Rub-and-Munch” inevitably getting tossed out. But Newt himself seems to be happy with one name in particular. “I'm partial to just calling it `Newtfest 2012.' It's short and sweet, and if we can get some advertising going on during the event, like from hand lotion companies or whatever, that name sounds perfect for that. `Jergens Newtfest 2012,' anyone?” - Return to Previous Page
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