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Santorum drops out of race after catching two campaign staffers having sex
4/10/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock -
GOP primary contender Rick Santorum, delivering an address in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in the hopes that PTP would make jokes about his delivering the Gettysburg Address, has dropped out of the race. The shocking news came less than one hour after Santorum reportedly caught two of his staffers having sex in a broom closet in his campaign's Pennsylvania headquarters.
“I am hereby suspending my presidential campaign. I would like to thank all of my supporters, both Christian fundamentalist and godless heathen, for helping me reach the heights that I have reached,” said Santorum, who wouldn't wear a stove-pipe hat or a fake beard during his address in Gettysburg, as much as we egged him on to do so. “I wish Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich the best of luck in their endeavors. And Ron Paul, you are also a person.”
PTP sat down with Santorum one-on-one to discuss his presidential bid, and to find out why he bailed on it when he was clearly the second-place contender in the GOP. “As you probably heard, I caught two of my staffers, you know... having sexual intercourse. It was a traumatizing experience, especially when the woman yelled at me to close the door, because I was `letting the stank out.' It showed me that I haven't accomplished much of anything with my campaign.”
“I thought I could return America to a time when two consenting adults would get married before they had sex, and would only do it in a bed, praying before, during, and after their intercourse, with a painting of Jesus lying on the pillow beside them, with the sole intention of making more God-fearing Christian Republican babies, with the woman cutting herself on her legs if she didn't give birth to a heterosexual boy. And then I caught these two going at it. Ahh! See?! I just said `going at it!' I'm on a slippery slope here... save me baby Jesus, save me from the sins my eyes doth seen!”
Mitt Romney has not yet commented on Santorum's dropping out of the race, probably saving his remarks for when PTP publishes its evening article later tonight. Presumptive second-place candidate Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, is hoping to use this opportunity to sell more books, while also allegedly plotting to plant snakes and spiders in Ron Paul's campaign bus, in the hopes of scaring him into also dropping out, according to our sources. - Return to Previous Page
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