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Mitt Romney reacts to Santorum dropping out, asks former rival for help relating to humans
4/11/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock -
GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney held a press conference moments ago wherein he praised former primary rival Rick Santorum, who bowed out of the race yesterday afternoon, and encouraged him to join the Romney campaign as a senior-level advisor. Romney wore a sweater vest in homage to his former foe, even though campaign staffers tried to prevent it, in case static from the sweater should affect the speech or cognition chips in his cybernetic brain.
“Rick was a strong human competitor. I wish him the best of luck in whatever he attempts next, and I'm sure I'll see you when we're both running again in 2016,” offered Romney. “The campaign won't be the same without you. I only hope Gingrich follows your lead and stops embarrassing himself. And like you said earlier today in your address in Gettysburg, Ron Paul is also a person.”
A reporter asked Romney if he could see a place for Santorum on his ticket. “Not as a Vice President, per say. But I could definitely see Rick involved in my campaign,” Romney replied. “It's no big secret that I'm pretty terrible at conversing with humans... uh... `fellow humans,' what with all my strapping dogs to car roofs, and jokes about firing people, and reminding voters almost daily that I don't give two shakes of a goat's joystick about poor, middle class, or lower-wealthy families. Rick could advise me on how to communicate better with humans, since he is one of them... us! One of us!”
Romney was then asked about the remaining GOP field. “Well, Newt will probably drop out pretty soon here, now that Santorum isn't running a defensive line for him. I made a sport's metaphor! See? I'm perfectly human, and just like other humans in every way! But seriously, Rick, if you're listening, please help my campaign... I really need some help with this whole `seeming human' routine, and my computer engineers... uhh... campaign staffers, I meant to say... they won't let me speak with, uh, my fellow humans!” - Return to Previous Page
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