Pardon The Pundit News Feed
North Korean spies kidnap Nicolas Cage, hope to keep missiles from flopping
4/13/2012 9:15 PM Matt Rock -
Hollywood was left stunned and terrified today after American intelligence agencies confirmed to the world that film star Nicolas Cage has been captured by North Korean spies. Authorities claim that Cage was taken in North Korea, under the guise that a film studio “somewhere in Asia” wanted Cage to star in a new movie, knowing that the prolific star never, ever turns down a starring role.
“North Korea wants Mr. Cage to help them develop their missile program, because he is a master of releasing flop after flop, only to pull in another tremendous box office smash hit afterward,” said a special CIA release issued to the media. “There is much they can learn from Nicolas Cage, and between studying his filmography and questioning him personally, they might unlock the key to their missile program any day now.”
Kidnapping Nicolas Cage was no easy task. “From what we can gather, the spies tried to drug Mr. Cage, but that just ended with him acting out a scene from the movie `Face/Off' and asking for a second helping,” said one agent we spoke with. “They then tried to lure him into an alleyway, posing as South Korean prostitutes, but Mr. Cage laughed, saying `I can spot the difference between North Korean and South Korean prostitutes.' So in the end, they had to praise his acting and offer him a leading role in a movie. No one has seen him since.”
Other Hollywood stars are fearful that they might be kidnapped next. Authorities have placed Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, Seth Rogen, and Dennis Quaid into protective custody, while Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, and everyone else that has ever been a cast member of SNL, but who also made movies, are all being sent to work in the few remaining video stores in the United States, since no one ever goes into those anymore. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|