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Romney makes bold play toward centrism, announces his “petting the poor” plan
4/13/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock -
With his GOP presidential nomination all but certain after Rick Santorum surprisingly dropped out of the race, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has announced that he has a plan for America's poor to “be more useful” and to give them “a place in our society.” Many analysts believe that this is the first of Romney's moves back to the center-right, since he cannot and will not defeat President Obama in the general if he continues focusing his efforts on appeasing right-wing conservatives.
“I realize that poor people should have a place in our society, but first, we need to give them some sort of real, tangible value,” explained Romney, speaking to the press from his state headquarters in Pennsylvania. “The problem here is that middle class folks with only seven or eight figures in their salaries consider the poor to be `people.' But I think if we can change that faulty mentality, we might positively impact the lives of the poor, who earn five or six figures, by giving them meaning and a legitimate sense of purpose.”
“Everyone in America loves pets. Why, some of my fondest memories involve our old dog Seamus, or our gardener, uh... something Mexican. If we can get regular and wealthy Americans to just treat the poor as you might treat a pet, playing fetch and rubbing their bellies and training them to `go' on the newspaper – especially the New York Times, zing! – the poor might feel like they mean something in our society, when clearly they don't.”
Romney took the gasps of reporters in attendance to be a positive thing. “You're clearly impressed by my idea! I want America to be that shining city on a hill that President Reagan talked about. A place where we shouldn't feel ashamed of helping the poor, by sticking them in kennels strapped to the roofs of our cars and barreling down the highway with reckless abandon. An America where we can rename the poor, getting rid of their lame first names like `George' or 'Sally' and replacing them with fun pet names, like `Fido' or `Reagan.' With me as your President, I promise you'll be able to grab poor people out of one of those Wal-Mart stores they all shop in, stick a collar around their neck, and force-feed them Alpo. They might put up a fight, but nobody said the war against socialism would be easy!” - Return to Previous Page
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