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North Korean government offers clean water, sunlight to anyone that fixes missiles
4/16/2012 10:48 AM Matt Rock -
After an embarrassing attempted long-range missile launch on Friday, North Korea's government is apparently hoping to find a promising solution by turning to its people. Last night, state television in Pyongyang announced that they want their citizens to help find a solution that might make their next missile test more successful. And in a show that the nation's new dictator, Kim Jong-un, is more lenient than his father, Kim Jong-il, the government is offering a full day's worth of clean water, sunlight, and possibly even an extra teaspoon of soup, to the citizen that solves their missile dilemma.
“Our Glorious Leader loves all of us, and has generously offered to let us see the sky during daytime, and drink water that is yummy and doesn't smell like rusty skunk-fish, and might triple our food allowance, if we can fix the missile that evil American spies and capitalism broke,” said the reporter. “You will be happy smile-face like a day where you don't lose a finger or a toe in a factory, yay! Join us now as we praise our beloved and generous Glorious Leader!”
The show then took a commercial break, where State TV showed how awesome Jong-un is, and how evil westerners own property and don't have immortal leaders, before returning to the story. “Rumors claim that the smart wise scientist that designed the rocket was executed, but this is not true. He is alive and well. Look at this picture of him taken in 1997! See?! Proof that he is well and eats the same daily food rations we all eat and isn't a capitalist western dog-man! You will also not be executed if your missile design is less than worthy of the Glorious Leader's time. You will be hugged by security personnel and will skip happily, crying and screaming with joy-joy feelings, as they take you to the `fun place' where all your dreams will come true forever and ever!”
However, American and British intelligence agencies report that North Korea doesn't actually have the clean water, sunlight, or extra food rations they are promising their people. “The sun doesn't show itself to North Korea. Who would want to look at that place?” said one anonymous CIA insider. “Claims to the contrary are about as hilarious as a tourism video for Detroit or Baltimore. Because yeah, that's where I'd want to spend a vacation, for sure!” - Return to Previous Page
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