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Newt Gingrich quits his own Presidential Campaign staff
7/3/2011 3:00 PM Matt Terzi
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has had a rocky, tumultuous start to his 2012 Presidential campaign thus far, and today, things got even worse for the would-be candidate. Nine additional members of Gingrich's campaign staff, as well as Gingrich himself, jumped ship and abandoned his Presidential campaign team this morning, sources say, marking what may be the final nail in the coffin for Gingrich's Presidential aspirations.
“I was stunned,” explained Martha Richmond, 47. “I was just hired on as Mr. Gingrich's newest campaign manager. He came into Denny's this morning and asked to see the manager, so I came out, and he said `hey, what do you think about politics?' I said I didn't watch the news, and he said `great! you're hired!' But then an hour later, I get a formal letter of resignation from several members of the campaign team, and one of them was from Mr. Gingrich himself. It was puzzling, and now I need to run this campaign without its candidate.”
Some analysts believe that if everyone in the United States takes a turn working for the Gingrich campaign staff, only to quit shortly thereafter, he may be able to hire back his original campaign staff and get back on the right track. Alternatively, he could use the famed “boxer that just won't quit” technique, wherein Gingrich retires from politics, badmouths his former opponents for the better part of a year, and then comes out of retirement just weeks before the GOP primary, looking more out of shape than he did prior to his retirement.
Another option for Gingrich's Presidential hopes may involve ripping a hole in the space-time continuum, says famed theoretical physicist Dr. Michio Kaku. “If Newt Gingrich could create a tear in space-time, he may be able to build a special space ship and pass through that rip,” explained the celebrity scientist. “According to string theory, the correct algorithms may allow him to enter an alternate dimension where he might literally become President Barack Obama. Alternatively, he might enter a dimension where every human on Earth is a clone of Newt Gingrich. Either of these outcomes might result in Newt Gingrich becoming the President.”
Dr. Michio Kaku warns that other than bending, tearing, or otherwise manipulating the space-time continuum, Newt Gingrich doesn't have any remote chance of winning the Presidency. “Of course, this is all theoretical. I'm a scientist and a mathematician, and I don't pay much attention to politics. But even school children can tell you that Newt Gingrich will never be President. He should just give up and cut his losses.”
It remains unclear what Mr. Gingrich is intending as far as his Presidential campaigning is concerned. Analysts believe he will continue pursuing the Presidency, despite not having a Presidential campaign behind him. Others believe he may spend the next several months building a “man cave,” in which he can declare himself as the President of the sofa, though many believe he may lose that election as well when he reveals his plans to annex the microwave. Some even think he might simply be hoping that the Gingrich campaign will function better without his being a part of it, and that he might win the Presidency without trying. - Return to Previous Page
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