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Corporate personhood allowing Wal-Mart to run for president in independent bid
4/18/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock -
The Wal-Mart corporation made a stunning announcement moments ago, on the steps of their corporate headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. After several weeks of internal debate, the chain of mega-stores has revealed to the world that the corporation itself will run for President in the 2012 elections. Filing as an independent, Wal-Mart is poised to launch a nationwide campaign starting as early as this weekend, taking on President Obama and the GOP's presumptive nominee, Mitt Romney, in a three-way showdown for the White House.
“We're very pleased to announce that Wal-Mart Inc. is running for President,” said the company's CEO, Mike Duke. “Conservatives have been championing corporate personhood, and I think America is finally ready to see its first true corporate Presidency. Well, they're all corporate to some extent, but this will be the first `really' corporate Presidency. It's an exciting time in American history.”
Duke didn't hesitate to explain Wal-Mart's platform. “Watch out for our falling taxes for the top 10% of American wage earners! Wal-Mart will bestow Christian values on the nation, censoring vulgarity, pornography, and other religions, the same way we censor music, movies, and video games in our stores nationwide. We'll tackle entitlements head-on, by offering services through our stores and by creating exciting new employment opportunities for all of the small business employees we drive to the curb every time we open a new store in a small town. And we'll end Obamacare, replacing it instead with `Wal-Mart Super Health Plus,' which works sort of like gas points you earn on a store's reward card. Buy enough toilet paper, shotgun shells, campy cartoon-themed sunglasses, and shitty furniture, and you'll earn yourself a doctor's visit!”
Duke says that Wal-Mart's board of directors is confident in their chances at victory. “People don't realize this, but in a given week, roughly one-third of the US population shops in our Wal-Mart stores, and that's just in America alone. Think about that. More than 100 million Americans shop in Wal-Mart stores each week. About 67 million people voted for Obama in 2008. The math does itself.”
Duke wouldn't offer up any hints as to whom Wal-Mart might add to its ticket as a running mate. Insiders have claimed what many analysts have speculated, however, that a second corporation might be vetted to join the ticket. Possible Vice Presidents may include McDonald's, Coca-Cola, Microsoft, or even Wal-Mart's arch-rival, Target. - Return to Previous Page
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