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Boehner weeps, endorses Romney after receiving tanning salon gift card
4/17/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock -
House Speaker John Boehner, crying uncontrollably as his spray tan ran down his cheeks, gleefully endorsed Mitt Romney's presidential bid earlier today, calling together a press conference and speaking at length about why Romney was his top choice for the White House.
“He g... g... gave me this gift c... c... card, worth $250, for my favorite tanning salon!” Boehner announced, choking on his tears as he wept his way through the duration of the press conference. “He c... c... cares so much! People joke that he isn't human... [pause for sobbing] but this is the most human... AWW GAWD! The most human gift I've ever gotten! Waaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!”
Boehner blew his nose before continuing. “I'm p... proud to call Mitt Romney a friend. He's such a great friend... I love him to pieces, in a hetero way of course. He's like the wildly out-of-touch, flagrantly wealthy, remorselessly anti-poor brother I never had. THE BROTHER I NEVER HAD! Waaaaaaaaahhh!”
Boehner's weeping then reached unprecedented levels, driving him away from his podium and into a nearby women's rest room. One of the Speaker's senior aides, who asked that he remain anonymous, stated that he hadn't seen Boehner “that torn up” for at least three or four days, when a Capitol Hill intern brought him a sub without mayo, claiming the Subway store was out of mayo that day. - Return to Previous Page
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