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Obama calls technical support center, asks for help with unemployment numbers
4/19/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock -
Today, President Obama utilized a new service offered by the United Nations, which provides “technical support” for issues that world leaders might face during a typical work day. Obama decided to try the new service, not realizing just how complicated the call would be. PTP has secured a transcript from that troublesome call... let's listen in!
UN Tech Support: Hello, and welcome to the United Nations technical support service for world leaders! This is a computer program, and this call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes! What are you calling about today? You can say things like “My people are revolting,” or “North Korea is scaring the shit out of me.”
President Obama: Unemployment numbers
UN: Okay... I believe you said “make millions of people unemployed.” Is that correct?
Obama: What? NO!
UN: Okay... Which nation are you calling from?
Obama: The United States of America
UN: Okay... I believe you said “The United Arab Emirates.” Am I speaking with Khalifa bin Zayed al Nahyan?
Obama: No! This is President Barack Obama of the United States!
UN: Okay... I believe you said you are President Banana of Tapioca Pudding, is this...
Obama: AGENT!!! No, not the Secret Service, I'm on tech support! And wipe that cocaine off your nose, this isn't a disco!
UN: Okay... please hold while I transfer you to an agent! Don't forget to ask about our in-palace security installation services! Please hold a moment...
[President Obama was placed on hold for about fifteen minutes, listening to elevator music and banging his head on the Resolute desk. Eventually, an agent with a thick Indian accent picked up]
UN: Hello sir, I am Tom and I will be your technical support representative today, may I confirm your home address sir?
Obama: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC, 20500
UN: Thank you sir, and with whom am I speaking today?
Obama: Are you kidding me? This is President Barack Obama.
UN: Thank you Mister Obama. And what can I assist you with today?
Obama: Our country is facing record unemployment. I've presided over the longest period of steady job growth in US history, and yet still, I can't get my numbers below eight-percent. I was hoping you could tell me how to turn that around?
UN: Yes sir, I would be happy to assist you with that issue you're having involving unemployment. It says here you're using a Netgear router, is that correct sir?
Obama: What?! Uh, yes, I have a Netgear router...
UN: Okay sir, what I am going to have you do is unplug the router from the wall for ten seconds, and then please plug it back in, and this should fix your unemployment problem, okay?
Obama: Uh...
UN: Sir? Are you still there sir?
Obama: Yeah... uh... thanks...
UN: Not a problem sir, and is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Obama: Uh... nope...
UN: Well then, thank you for choosing the United Nations technical support hotline, have a good day sir. - Return to Previous Page
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