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Romney’s Secret Service detail resigns
4/22/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden -
Mitt Romney’s entire secret service detail abruptly resigned yesterday after it was revealed that Romney will not be traveling out of the country any time soon. Following the mass resignation, the Romney campaign issued a statement: “While the Governor was disappointed to learn that the Secret Service will no longer be protecting him, he sees this as an opportunity to demonstrate decisive leadership by putting Ted Nugent in charge of his security. Mr. Nugent, who has already joined the Romney team, acted courageously this morning when he took out an individual who posed an imminent threat to the Governor’s safety.”
An attorney hired by the former Secret Service agents explained the reasoning behind the agents’ decision. “My clients heard about their colleagues procuring hookers in Columbia and they realized that there is a culture of sexual misconduct among agents who travel overseas. All of a sudden, protecting a candidate who doesn’t stand a chance of becoming President and who intentionally avoids prostitutes lost all of its appeal. Let’s face it, Mitt Romney is no Bill Clinton, if you know what I mean. Anyway, my clients will be filing suit against the Romney campaign and against the Secret Service seeking damages for the pain and suffering they experienced when they found out there weren’t going to be any hookers. And a word of warning to Mr. Romney – sir, if you think the Secret Service is bad wait until Ted Nugent finds out this is a no hooker gig. That nut job used to be a rock star; he’s used to getting paid in hookers!”
In related news, Pardon the Pundit has confirmed that Nugent used his crossbow to shoot an arrow into the kneecap of PTP reporter Alyson Durden when Durden questioned Governor Romney about what kind of idiot would associate himself with a lunatic like Ted Nugent. Durden lived up to her tough-as-nails reputation when she pulled the arrow out with her teeth, broke it over her good knee and, as she was losing consciousness, shouted a question to Romney about what his strategy would be for winning the female-Latino-dog-lover vote. - Return to Previous Page
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