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Gingrich, Secret Service plan campaign stops in Vegas, Tijuana
4/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who holds second place in the GOP primary by a margin that makes it mathematically impossible for him to catch up to frontrunner Mitt Romney, announced earlier today that his campaign will be heading to Las Vegas later this week, even though Nevada had its caucuses on February 4th of this year, before heading to Tijuana, Mexico, even though it isn't in the United States.
“I worked closely with my Secret Service detail to ensure my next few campaign stops were plotted out thoroughly,” Gingrich explained. “It's important that I maximize my exposure to women, a key demographic in defeating Romney and then Obama. A woman with the breast... I mean... `best' polling responsiveness is a woman I need to appeal to. You might say we'll be looking for `poll dancers,' women that bare it all and give me a rise in my, uh, numbers.”
One reporter pointed out that neither location has primaries or caucuses to worry about. “I think it's important to remember that even though one place has already voted, and the other place can't vote, there are still people there with voices that need to be heard, and aren't being listened to. I will be a president that really listens to working girls... uh... women. I'll hold their issues close to me and I'll shower their problems with attention. And my Secret Service detail will be there to help me get all of that done.”
“Look, going to Vegas isn't about seeing how much blow you can snort out of a stripper's cleavage, or settling a wager that one of your Secret Service agents is less successful with the ladies than another. And going to Tijuana isn't about cheap prescription drugs or, what I've heard anyway, are the best brothels in the western world. These trips are about America. They're about freedom, and the Constitution, and Democracy. And that, my fellow Americans, is why I asked my wife to stay home. Because what happens in Vegas can't simply be washed out of your shirt or underpants in a bathroom sink at 3am. And by that, I mean fiscal responsibility!” - Return to Previous Page
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