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Time travelling Romney tries to fix flip-flops
4/24/2012 11:00 AM Floyd Harden
Mitt Romney took the biggest gamble of his political career yesterday when he went back in time to the year 2007 to warn himself not to say some of the things that are now haunting him on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, 2012 Romney was unable to find himself, because 2007 Romney had already travelled back to 2002 to warn 2002 Romney not to say some of the things that haunted 2007 Romney during that year’s Republican Presidential primary.
It all started when a Romney campaign advisor told his boss about polls that indicate Romney’s chances of winning the White House hinge on his ability to convince voters that he can be trusted – the odds of which are about the same as the odds of Newt Gingrich marrying a woman with a heart murmur.
Recognizing the seriousness of his predicament, 2012 Romney hopped into the time machine he recently purchased at Steve Jobs’ estate auction and set the dial for 2007. When he arrived in 2007, 2012 Romney was informed by a 2007 staffer that 2007 Romney had already stolen the same time machine from 2007 Steve Jobs to travel back to 2002. 2012 Romney immediately jumped back into his time machine and followed himself to 2002, where he found 2002 Romney and 2007 Romney arguing over the best way to transport a beloved family pet. Thinking fast, 2012 Romney again jumped into his time machine, set the dial for 1985, grabbed Seamus the family dog, strapped him on top of the time machine, travelled back to 2012, dropped the animal off at a car wash and went back to 2002, where he found the two previous Romneys ready to come to blows over a disagreement about which is more fun - firing a single mother or allowing GM to fail. When 2012 Romney tried to separate the two, 2002 Romney punched 2012 Romney in the face, took his time machine and travelled to 2007 while 2007 Romney jumped into the other time machine and travelled to 2012, leaving 2012 Romney with a broken nose and no time machine.
Now, with 2007 Romney in 2012 and 2002 Romney in 2007, the Romney continuum has been disrupted so severely that nothing Romney says today is consistent with anything Romney is saying in 2002 or 2007. Consequently, the 2012 Romney campaign is now desperately hoping that any day now 2016 Romney will come back and straighten out this whole cluster fuck. - Return to Previous Page
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