Pardon The Pundit News Feed
First criminal charges filed for gulf oil spill; 11-year old Lindsey Powell tasered, arrested
4/24/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock -
Justice is finally coming for the hundreds of thousands of people whose lives were negatively affected by the tragic BP oil spill two years ago, which devastated the gulf region and killed incalculable amounts of local and regional marine and avionic wildlife. The US government has finally kicked off criminal investigations, and the first person to learn their lesson will be 11-year old Lindsey Powell.
Powell, age 9 at the time of the BP oil spill, was running a lemonade stand in 2010, from which she also sold cookies that her mother helped her bake. One potential customer, whose name has not been released, was a BP safety inspector. He asked if he could get a discount, but Sally refused to haggle, and according to the United States government, it was her frugal, selfish behavior that caused the BP oil spill, as her insisting on the listed price rather than giving in to the safety inspector's haggling kept him from getting to his job on time.
FBI Director Robert S. Mueller detailed the operation that led to Powell's arrest. “This morning at approximately 10:53 am Eastern Standard Time, two FBI tactical teams, a local SWAT team, and over three dozen state and local law enforcement agents, along with a dozen people from the Department of Justice, stormed into Lindsey Powell's grade school classroom. There were no casualties, though nine of her fellow classmates were injured during the raid. One FBI agent in heavy riot armor was slapped on the arm repeatedly by a crying, screaming student. We are expecting him to recover, according to the staff at the hospital where he was taken.”
One of the FBI agents involved in the siege gave his insights into the event. “I have a cousin who was a fisherman in the gulf before the spill. Now he works at Taco Bell. I'm not ashamed to admit that we took that bitch down, hard. We tasered her to make sure she cooperated, and tasered her parents when they came to the police station, being dicks. I personally tasered one of her classmates, and punched him in the face, and held him down on the floor with my boot on his neck, when he started crying and demanding we let her go. My adrenaline is still pumping. But that's why I joined the FBI. I live for this kind of danger.”
If convicted, Powell may face $7.6 billion in fines and life imprisonment. Her mother, Jennifer Powell, is being investigated as an accomplice as well, as she not only helped her daughter bake the cookies, but also stepped out onto the porch and insisted that the BP safety inspector pay the price that Lindsey had written in crayon on construction paper that was hung from her lemonade stand. Her father, Kevin Powell, may have also been involved in the construction of the lemonade stand, though sources in the DOJ admit that evidence to support that theory is pretty thin. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|