Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Gingrich dropping out next week when newest book is released
4/25/2012 5:02 PM Matt Rock -
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose fledgling presidential campaign has been mired in numerous single-digit primary finishes, will be reportedly dropping out of the race next week, on Tuesday, May 1st, according to sources close to his campaign. Gingrich is planning to make his drop-out event coincide with the release of his newest book, “You Could Have Lived on the Moon,” which is being released that same day.
“Newt wrote a new book about what America would have been like in four years, had people voted him into office. That's why it took him so long to drop out,” says an anonymous senior aide to Gingrich. “He talks about all of the ideas his campaign pushed for. Building a moon colony and making it the 51st state. Enslaving children and making them work tedious labor jobs for menial pay. Developing a new `Don't Ask, Don't Tell' law involving wives and mistresses... America would have changed drastically had Newt won the White House. I guess we'll never get to see that America now.”
“It was a difficult decision for him to make. He had to get the all-clear from his wife, his next wife, one of his two past wives, two of his three mistresses, and then his publishers, loan sharks, `Chat Roulette' friends, and the Koch Brothers. But the book is finished, and it'll be in stores on Tuesday, so that's when the dream of a Gingrich presidency ends, and we all wake up to reluctantly vote for Mitt Romney.”
Gingrich is said to have already discussed his plan with presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, who allegedly offered to pay off Gingrich's $5 million campaign debts in exchange for smiling in front of a camera while reporting that he's actually spoken with, and physically touched the face of, Romney, and that he really is a human being, from Earth, with real human skin. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|